I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
