Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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