I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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