We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
