guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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