Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
