My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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