Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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