If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
