Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
