just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
