so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
