god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize