And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
