Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
