Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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