not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
50% drunk capacity currently
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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