are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
