I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
