my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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