a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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