Cold hands, warm shart.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
FUCK WHALES
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