I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
