I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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