When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
