Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
