shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
