I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
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