WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize