My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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