I'd wear matching sweaters with you
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
