This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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