i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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