i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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