evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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