True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
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