there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
