i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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