Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize