my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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