Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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