Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
