So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
