Redeem this text for a blowjob
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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