Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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