Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
