I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
