it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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