Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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