Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
