I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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