my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
