I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
