I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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