If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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