I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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